I wanted to have another biological child. I suffered layered trauma from being unexpectedly pregnant, during the midst of the global pandemic and then miscarrying, while being at home and readily exposed to all the pregnant bellies and baby celebrations on my social media timelines. This was my sixth miscarriage and it sent me into a perpetual cycle of sadness, numbness, cynicism and self-destruction.
Each time I though I was feeling better and more like myself, something or someone triggered me. How I’m responding to those triggers is varied, but they’re still there nonetheless and have been dangerous.
Repeat: I want(ed) to have another biological child and had to make the painful choice to stop trying, even though we had already stopped trying the last time. I wanted to believe a healthy biological child was still in the cards for us, but in order to have that, I’m not willing to do “whatever it takes” to have it. For us, some things just are not optional. Respect that choice.
It’s not worth the uncertainty, the expense, the pressure to force something that is not happening naturally after I had a successful pregnancy with little to no complications.
There’s no poetic way to share this information. There’s no silver lining to it all. I just needed a place to put this because my life has been very sad since this last loss.
Am I counting my blessings? Sure, but that doesn’t eliminate or negate the fact that I am deeply hurt and saddened by these repeated challenges. I am worn out, tattered and tired from trying to be strong through it all.
I am not a super woman. I don’t wear a cape for anyone. I am no one’s savior. I also am not invincible and no longer durable. I do not remember what matters, what’s important and even what I believe anymore.
Thus, why I know the only way for me to recover from this is to start over. To begin from scratch with rebuilding who I am and what matters to me.
I am in a season that is focusing on BEING and nothing more or less. I am starting from where I currently am today with all that I know to be true in this moment. Without beating myself up over the past or stressing about the future of it all, I am intentionally BEING present and one with myself as I re-learn what it is like to be still, listen, observe and hear from Source.
I have also changed my perspective on my desires for life. These are being kept to myself and between me and God. The declarations, affirmations and petitions are between me and Universal Intelligence. When it’s time to share any aspect of that, I will know and will follow suit. Until then, this isn’t for public consumption or influence.
So now what? I am being intentional about the actions I take and what the underlying motivations are. If they are extrinsic, meaning largely influenced by outside input, I will consider carefully if it’s in my best interest to pursue the action. If intrinsic, I will make sure it’s aligned with what I believe to be important for positive progression for personal healing and growth.
Just as I have decided to share this info in a blog post, I may decide to continue sharing here along the way with the intention of creating a personal, digital timeline for my rebirth.
I have a journal I’m largely working through offline. What’s included moving forward on this blog is what I feel comfortable enough to share.
